‘The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet’ – Jimmy Carr
In 2005 I got stuck in the bath and decided it was time I did something about my weight, so joined my local Weight Watchers* class. I successfully managed to lose about 3 stone in total, and aside from the odd pesky half stone I’ve managed to keep it off ever since. So it is a lifestyle change and did teach me a lot about portion size, calories and the benefit of regular exercise.
Here’s what they don’t tell you happens when you lose 3 stone at a slimming club:
1. You never lose weight off the areas you want to, small boobs get smaller and start heading south, and thunderous thighs never look like Beyonce’s no matter how much you go to the gym.
2. When you fall off the wagon you fall off spectacularly, and before you know it you’re eating a family sized tub of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food in approximately 3.5 seconds.
3. You all but starve yourself the night before a weigh in for the fear of being chastised for not losing any weight that week.
4. Speaking of the dreaded weigh ins, you squeeze out every last morsel of urine before you step on those scales, and if you don’t lose any weight, you blame it on the fact you didn’t go for a pee beforehand
5. The humble 1lb can be your best friend or your worse enemy. If you lose one, you feel like Kate Moss, if you gain one, you feel like the biggest blubbernaut on the planet.
6. If you do lose weight one week, the epic joy you feel is quickly quashed by Flabby Rebecca and Two Ton Tina, who through gritted teeth congratulate you, but walk away accusing you of cheating and having an eating disorder
7. You give nasty weight related nicknames to people in your class who give you stink eye when you lose weight (as above)
8. A week long stomach bug suddenly becomes the best thing ever – 5lbs down in a week, woop! (I guarantee you though you put it all back on again the week after because you’re eating normally again, so spending your week with your head down the crapper didn’t have any benefits after all!)
9. People you work with and your friends and family invariably know you’re on a diet, because it’s all you talk about, so that the second you put anything that isn’t a piece of fruit in your mouth the ‘ooh that won’t be very good for you’ or ‘aah are you having a bad day’ comments start. You’re seemingly not allowed to treat yourself. Ever.
10. If you do happen to treat yourself to something from the sweet menu, you spend 20 minutes working out how long you’re going to have to go to the gym for the next day to compensate.
11. You become incredibly vain. You’ve lost a couple of stone and feel great, so great that you can’t stop looking at yourself in any reflective surface you pass by, and shopping takes twice as long because you spend an hour admiring the fact you can now get on and zip up a pair of size 12 jeans.
12. Not only do you become obsessed with everything you put in your mouth, you become obsessed with everything everyone else puts in their mouth as well, you watch people tucking into a bacon sandwich or a double chocolate muffin like its nothing, and you think to yourself ‘350 calories, too much for breakfast’. But you’re jealous all the same.
13. It’s doesn’t change your life as much as you think. I used to think if I was thin, I would be happy and all my problems would disappear, I wouldn’t suffer from period pain any more and I would simply skip through life all skinny and pretty without a care in the world. That, of course, is hogwash, because work, the weather and the sadistic bus driver you meet every morning don’t care if you’re skinny, and neither, sadly do your ovaries.
*other slimming clubs are available!