‘I don’t have pet peeves; I have whole kennels of irritation’ – Whoopi Goldberg
In a few days time (on 1st June) it’s National Say Something Nice day (when you read further down you’ll understand why this is relevant). It’s always important to be nice to people. That’s just common sense. I, however have a bit of a habit of being able to offend or annoy people, with no real effort whatsoever. I’m just one of those people who will say the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person.
It helps of course, when you get to know people, to know what their triggers are. What’s safe ground to talk/joke about and what should be avoided at all costs? So,,and let’s call this what it is – a public service – if you’re ever concerned about what my triggers might be, here’s a few things that are very, very likely to send me postal:
There’s a knack to it
This has never washed with me. Guess what? If you have to turn it a certain way or switch it on 3 times of hop up and down on one leg singing Tainted Love backwards then it doesn’t work! Things shouldn’t have a knack to them, they should just work. This is why I won’t use Dave’s front door key.
We live walking distance to a large Carvery chain and don’t get one wrong the few times we’ve been there the food has been lovely. But if I wanted to queue up for my food I’d go back to school. Then you’re supposed to tip the waitress who has literally just shown you to your table? Sorry lady but I put these roasties on my plate myself.
People who ask themselves questions
I promise you it’s likely that you’ve never noticed this before but now that you have it won’t fail to bug you. I never noticed it until I had it pointed out to me. It’s usually when people are having a rant at you and say something like; ‘Am I happy? No. Do I want to be? Of course!’ which just makes me think I’m clearly superfluous to the conversation and if I could deploy the ejector seat I most certainly would.
Contact details on websites
This is specifically people who leave email addresses as contact details but when you email them they never respond. Restaurants are the worse culprits and twice in the last 2 months I’ve emailed somewhere to book a table but had to end up ringing them anyway because they never got back to me. It’s very simple; it’s 2019, it’s the digital age, I don’t want to talk to anyone if it can be avoided. But if your email address isn’t monitored, don’t have it as an option on your website.
People who won’t just split the bill in restaurants
If you’re out in a big group of people, splitting the bill at the end of the night becomes an absolute nightmare. It is so much easier to just split the whole thing neck to nuts and we can all go on enjoying your night. I appreciate that if you’ve had one course and a glass of water and someone else has had 8 courses and a bottle of Moet you’ll be less inclined to chip in a little extra but is that the case all the time? It’s a winners and losers situation as far as I’m concerned and on the odd occasion I bring the car so don’t have any wine, I’m happy to pay a little more to compensate for the times I’ve drank allll the wine and gotten a sweet deal out of it.
Being told to ‘wait and see’
I’m sorry, have we met? I physically can’t wait and see (actually, I mentally can’t wait and see). I want to know and I want to know now! Call it impatience, call it nosiness, I don’t care. Just simply don’t ever tell me to wait and see because I can’t. I can’t wait. My head will literally, literally explode. Which actually brings me nicely to…
Misuse of the word ‘literally’
Before anyone has a go, I’ve been saying this way before it was mentioned on How I Met Your Mother. Ang and my Dad will be witness to that. Now I may have been advised to leave my A level English course (before I was kicked off for having no interest in reading anything) but I like think as I’ve grown up and moved on with my career I’ve become better with my words. It’s really quite simple, if you use the word literally, what you mean is it actually happened. It’s factually correct. I am literally the most self-absorbed person you will ever meet. Factually correct. If you say I literally died. You, my friend, are a medical miracle, because you have recovered remarkably well. Or you’re wrong. What you mean to say is figuratively. Class dismissed.
Not all pigeons, I’m quite fond of Big Fat Pigeon (BFP) who lives round our way and makes the whole house shake when he plonks himself on our conservatory roof. What I hate the most are the arrogant ones who sit in the middle of the road when you’re driving. So you slow down so as not to hit them, and they walk walk out the way. If I had wings I would fly everywhere, why are they walking?! Smug bastards.
The unicorn/mermaid trend
It’s one thing being a 6 year old and believing in magical make believe stuff but when a woman in her 50s sits next to you in a meeting with a notebook that says ‘I’m actually a mermaid’ on the front, it’s about time she had a word with herself. You’re a mother of grown up children Carol*; this is embarrassing for all of us. I mean, the same thing could be said about a 36 year old obsessed with a boy band but, that’s the ying and yang of life. If we must go down this mythical creature route, bring back the Minotaur I say.
It can be funny when used ironically (I often tell Dave to run an idea up the flagpole and see who salutes, just for S&Gs) but when used seriously it makes me want to shake whoever is spouting this nonsense and slap them across the face with a unicorn themed notebook. Starter for tens, taking things offline, and parking it for now can all get in the sea as far as I’m concerned. And don’t get me started on the whole ‘soft copy’ thing. If you want email something to you, just say so.
You know what the funny thing is about starting to talk about things that irritate you is? Once you start you find it hard to stop. I was telling Emma and Steph about my list, and they started thinking of their own. In fact, we started to discuss it so often we started out own whatsapp group to talk about our pet hates as and when they arise. Below is snapshot what just a handful of things that have been mentions in the group and official put on what is now simply known as: ‘The List’
- Butter that tears your bread to bits
- Made up international days (despite this being what I base 80% of my blog posts on – cheers Steph!)
- Similarly, accepted days that have had nonsense added to them, like ‘galentines day’
- People who say ‘as a…..’ to make their opinion more credible ‘as a mother…’ ‘as a woman…’ etc etc
- Meetings over lunchtime
- Meetings after 2pm on a Friday
- People who don’t flush train toilets properly
- People who rave about places you think are rubbish
- People who say ‘French Champagne’
- People in traffic jams who lave a gap so big you could park a bus in
- People on TV who have big suitcases but when they lift them are clearly empty
- Similarly people on TV who drink out of coffee cups that are clearly empty (Greys Anatomy I’m looking at you!)
- People who pronounce Asos as ASS-os (this is solely mine but going on the list because it’s my blog and I’m right).
What’s on your list?
*let me state for the record I don’t know anyone called Carol who has a mermaid theme notebook