How to write a blog post – Honestly Helen style!

‘Search brainy quote for something tenuously linked to what you want to write about but that sounds philosophical and/or inspiring’ – Someone you’ve never heard of

Start off with either ‘those who know me will know…’, ‘i’m not the type of girl who normally….’ or ‘you know what really winds me up…?’ then link back to a story from your childhood that is only vaguely related.

Start paragraph 2 with ‘the thing is…’ then ask questions that sound like you’re going to divulge the answers later on in the post but never really do. This is also the paragraph you’ll also need to have thesaurus.com open side by side because you’ve used the words ‘cosy’ ‘amazing’ ‘cute’ and ‘super’ three times each already.

It’s probably about time you added a picture by now so spend 2 hours faffing around on picmonkey.com to post this:

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Which originally looked like this:

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Be extremely self deprecating to the point people probably think you have body dysmorphia. Google the topic you’re writing about in the desperate hope to add some actual fact or weight to your argument.  Find out it’s already been written about on blogs a million times, and way better than you’ve done so sit and sulk for an hour or two while you figure out how you’re going to put your own spin on it.

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Text your friends because you need them to take part in a post, always using the phrase ‘totally cool if you don’t want to’ and anxiously await their reply because all of a sudden getting this post finished is more important than getting front row tickets to a Backstreet Boys concert. Be pissed off if they respond saying thanks but no thanks to taking part.

Shoehorn in a Backstreet Boys reference.

Finally get the real crux of the post talking about what people actually want to read about; what you ate, what you wore, how much things cost etc etc, you know, the useful stuff. All the while discovering new and interesting ways of making the topic all about wine, cake, yourself or the Backstreet Boys.

Probably time for another picture so google image a meme you think is snarky, sassy or witty (usually the 3rd or 4th image in) resize, dump it in and hope for the best

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Stress over word count so refer back to theasaurus.com again and add a few more adjectives to every paragraph above then email draft to Ang for proofreading. Again anxiously await their response because you genuinely don’t think your snakes belly level of self esteem could take any ‘constructive’ criticism. Do a happy dance when they respond positively and forget to fix all the typos they point out.

Summarise what you’ve said or any conclusions you’ve made to a similar standard as when you had to write up GCSE science experiments. Schedule for 4 months time because you think you need that long to work on it some more.

Sit back and fantasise that this is going to be the post that finally goes viral so you can give up work and blog full time….

So there you go, an answer to a question you never asked, I really am it really is that simple.

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